The Problem With "Ladies First..."

Decency should be universal, not reserved for women with a polite label.

A few weeks ago, I was in a team meeting when I began to share my perspective. At the same moment, a male colleague also started speaking. We both paused. He smiled and said, “Ladies first.”

I smiled back and continued. But it stuck with me. The comment felt unnecessary. Over the following days, the phrase kept replaying in my head, gathering momentum.

Because “ladies first” is one of those expressions that sounds completely charming on the surface, neatly wrapped in good manners. But if you sit with it for a moment, it starts to feel just a little bit dated. Not offensive, just out of step.

In that moment, I stopped being just another person in the room with something to say. I became a separate category. (Worth noting that I work in technology, where the woman-to-man ratio hovers around 1:10.) The phrase, however kindly intended, quietly signalled that my input needed a different kind of acknowledgement.

It was polite, yes. But it also highlighted a privilege that was not available to everyone else in the room, just women. It isolated me in the sea of men when what I needed was to be heard based on contribution, not courtesy.

Now, I know how this might land. You might think, “You’re being overly sensitive,” or, if you’re a man, maybe, “Oh, we just can’t win anymore!”

And I get it. It can feel like a no-win situation unless we start shifting from gender-based kindness to just basic kindness and mutual respect.

If we take that same meeting moment and replace me with a man, the response would be something like: “After you,” or “You go ahead.” These are simple alternatives are also gender-neutral. Nothing revolutionary, but they work for everyone. No gender classification required.

However, as women, we can be our own biggest enemy to this shift. Because we like having a door opened for us. We’ve heard “ladies first” for so long, we’ve started to believe it. I mentioned this topic recently at dinner with a group of women slightly older than me. The responses were familiar:
“That’s just the nice thing to do.”
“I was raised that a gentleman demonstrates chivalry.”
And my personal favourite: “Would you open a door for a man?”

Let’s look at each of those.

1. Yes, it is a nice thing to do… for anyone.

2. It’s true, chivalry was traditionally about men doing kind things for women, but times have changed.

3. And yes, of course I’d hold the door for a man. Or anyone. It really comes down to who arrives at the door first and what the situation calls for.

What started as an old-fashioned courtesy doesn’t quite fit our world now. Kindness doesn’t need to be gendered. It just needs to be present.

Because when we say “ladies first,” we’re unintentionally tying respect to a label. We’re suggesting that thoughtfulness is earned by identity, not by humanity.

And that’s the shift I want to see. Not from politeness to bluntness, but from performance to presence. Manners evolve. Language should too. When it lags behind, it starts to sound like a poor translation of our better intentions.

So, what can we do differently?

Don’t stop the behaviour, change the language and adapt the behaviour to be gender neutral. Let’s retire “ladies first.” Not the act of kindness, but the outdated phrase that wraps it in gender. Today, holding a door or making space in conversation isn’t about chivalry. It’s about decency. No one loses out in the process. If anything, we all gain from removing gender as a factor in politeness and extending the reach of our kindness.

Respect doesn’t need a suit of armour. It just needs to be sincere.

I’d love to hear your opinion on this topic and whether you’ve ever questioned the phrase.